God is the Author

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I always wanted to be a mother. My nurturing instinct pranced at the thought of having a baby of my own; a baby to love, care for, and raise to be a beautiful being. I thought about how I would teach my child about what there is to know about life; how I would instruct my child about the trivial things that matter like hanging up her/his coat on the hook or putting the trash from snack time into the garbage. I imagined being an inspiration, my child looking up to me and seeing all that I accomplished beaming at the thought that she/he can do it to.

bible verse behind an authors pen

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MOTHER.
I sat in the doctor’s office after getting checked out. Do I remember the date? Nope. Do I remember the season? Nope. However, I remember her telling me that it’ll be hard for me to have children but “we will cross that bridge when we get there.”

I mean after telling someone who desired to be a mother that it’ll be hard to have children, following it up with, “we will cross that bridge when we get there” wasn’t comforting. The words already burned the bridge before I could even get there.

That night I cried myself to sleep, arms wrapped around myself. I was devastated.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET PREGNANT.

I will never forget the day I saw 2 pink lines on that pregnancy test.

So much emotion filled my body. Shock, fear, doubt, worry and unfortunately there was not any joy to embrace. The crazy thing was before taking the test I prayed to God and I told Him, Lord let your will be done.

His will was done, and I wanted to take back my prayer. Woah messed up thing to say! I know that’s what you’re thinking. That’s what I’m thinking.

IT ALL HAPPENED AT THE WRONG TIME.
I wasn’t ready, I wanted a baby but not now, there is so much I still need to accomplish, I’m going to have to deal with criticism and opinions I’m going to be a disappointment, my relationship didn’t need this right now…

Those were some thoughts that flooded my mind. Yet I was in denial.

This is a false positive. I am not pregnant.

That thought gave me some hope. I never thought I could get pregnant. The words from my doctor that plagued my mind that night were the words I was standing firmly on.

What happened to standing on Gods’ Word? It didn’t coincide with my time.

I took a urine test at the hospital. It was negative!

I had an ultrasound done…I saw the heartbeat.

So tiny, flickering on the screen. It was so small I can’t forget how it looked. It was adorable. It was a baby. How much more confirmation did I need?

I carried my baby for 9 months. The first few months it was hard for me for many reasons. My prayers weren’t of gratitude, I was adjusting my life and my mindset for a baby. I stopped everything I enjoyed doing. Spiritually, I needed something, mentally I wasn’t ok, emotionally I wasn’t super-duper, and physically I didn’t have the energy.

It was hard to be joyful. It was hard to be happy. Each appointment I heard the heartbeat of my baby. It was so strong. I couldn’t help but to think that was God telling me you are going to be a mother, your baby isn’t going anywhere, suck it up.

I had to suck it up.

The day came, the day my baby was born. I made it through 9 whole months without any complications but suddenly everything changed. My blood pressure was high which wasn’t a good sign.

Preeclampsia. The word rang in my head.

PREECLAMPSIA IS A CONDITION THAT CAN OCCUR DURING PREGNANCY.
Some symptoms of preeclampsia may include high blood pressure and protein in the urine. I had both symptoms.

The delivering doctor informed me that it was good that I came into the hospital because it could’ve gotten worse. It could have turned into Eclampsia. When preeclampsia isn’t controlled, eclampsia can develop which is essentially preeclampsia plus seizures.

I had to jump start my labor.

I delivered a beautiful baby. I was ok. We were ok.

After listening to the testimony from Michelle Ferguson (her testimony can be viewed here ) I thought about my situation and how ungrateful I was.

I had to ask God for forgiveness at once. I cried at the thought of not having children, I prayed for Gods will, I submitted to Him, and after He has given me the desires of my heart, I wasn’t happy because it didn’t happen when I wanted it to happen. I wasn’t happy because other people weren’t happy. I wasn’t happy because I felt like I let everyone down. I wasn’t happy because

I allowed guilt and shame to devour my joy. I wasn’t happy because relationships that were important to me was going wrong, they were crumbling.

Throughout my pregnancy I was reminded of how it can be hard for some women to have children. Some of these women had the same diagnosis as me. These strong, beautiful women were in my presence, cheering me on. That thought alone opens the door for guilt to consume me and make me feel so small. I could have been in their shoes.

Desiring to have a child, standing strong and inspirational during the wait. I can only imagine the weight in their hearts they carried desiring something and yet God utilized them to remind me of miracles.

God utilized me to remind them of miracles.

God loved me so much that regardless of my poor decisions His will was beautiful. Despite my ugly, His will was beautiful. God loves you so much that regardless of your poor decisions His will is beautiful.

Me praying for Gods’ will was me seeking God and I found Him. When I asked for Gods will, I was acknowledging my weaknesses and how I could no longer run from my wrongs.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

JEREMIAH 29: 11-13 ESV

I know there are results from actions some of which can be avoided I understand that. That is not the point of this post. Well, what is the point? God blessed me when I was positioning myself for a punishment.

Position yourself for a blessing, you do not know when it will arrive.

Declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose,’

Isaiah 46:10

God knows our end from our beginning. He knows your situation and His love still thrives strong. When you may feel undeserving God says you are deserving. Your blessings may not come how you envisioned it. When you expect it; it may not come wrapped how you want it and when you want it, but God knows what is best and when it is best. In spite of your bad decisions, your faults, your falls, your mess ups, Gods grace is sufficient.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

Do I sometimes still worry about what my future holds? Yes, I do but trusting that God worked out all the kinks before I reach that point gives me comfort.

Please do not wait until something major happens for you to see Gods resting hand in your situation. Do not wait until it’s too late to see God’s blessings in your life. My heart is softened with the thought of Gods blessings and His love during my foolishness and flaw. I am reminded of the God that I serve. Like I always said, there is beauty amid your ugly situations. You just must find it.

God will work everything out for you.

writers pen and  Corinthains 12:9 ESV

A Little More About Carlene

Carlene McNair is a singer and songwriter, she is the spoken word artist known as “Chosen”, and author to the book, “What is Love? The Mysteries of the Heart” (Available on Amazon), A Faith and Lifestyle blogger, and a Podcast Host on “I’m Living my Best Life, Are You?” (Available on all major Platforms). 

Carlene is the ministry leader of “Phenomenallychosen.” Which sheds light on God’s love and encourages transparency.

She also has ample experience with group facilitation. 

Carlene has a bachelor’s degree in psychology. After graduating, she has worked in the human service field. Gaining experience working with Youth in the Department of Youth Services, working with the substance abuse population, and she served as a diligent worker in psychiatric rehabilitation. She has ample experience facilitating groups focused on creative writing, which encourages individuals to find freedom in expression. Carlene is currently working with the mental health population and pursing her master’s degree in social work. 

You can find more about her work at 

www.iamchosen.co

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